


We're Married, So We Share

by angelsandbrowncoats



Series: Nygmobblepot Week 2017 [2]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, Murder, Nygmobblepot Week 2017, arsenic and old lace!au, crossover/AU, i rushed the ending but this was still super fun to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-31 19:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12139221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsandbrowncoats/pseuds/angelsandbrowncoats
Summary: A charming old married couple, Oswald and Edward Cobblepot raised their three nieces together, back when Oswald was still mayor. Now in retirement, they are beloved members of a peaceful suburban community. But the Cobblepot family is hiding a dark secret... and it's about to be discovered.Based on and lending strongly from the movie adaptation of the play 'Arsenic and Old Lace'





	We're Married, So We Share

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this rather haphazardly today and I'm probably going to revamp it at some point when I have more time. I hope you all like it anyway!
> 
> I also hope the characters aren't too ooc. I stuck close to the plot & dialogue of the movie since I knew I was in a hurry. They may end up being more similar to the movie characters than the Gotham ones, but I hope not!

"No, I'm sorry, I love you, but I can't - "

"We've been over this, dear. You promised!"

"But how can _I_ get married? Answer me that. I've made my fortune writing about the curses of marriage as a sexist institution. What kind of a hypocrite would I be to go and get married after all that? No."

"Okay, Lee," Jim smiled at her, taking her hand. She frowned, "What do you mean, 'Okay, Lee,'? Aren't you mad? Aren't you going to fight?"

"No, Lee," Jim laughed, "I love you and you love me. That's enough for me. If you don't want to get married, then we won't," he kissed her lightly. Lee sighed and rolled her eyes, "Alright, let's go."

"Go where?"

"To get married, of course."

"You mean it?"

"Yes, James, I mean it. Now hurry up before I change my mind again."

Jim grinned and let Lee drag him to the courthouse. What a beautiful October 31st this was turning out to be.

~ ~ ~

"Okay, kid, that's just about everything you need to know about being the constable in this little suburb of Gotham. I'm handing over the easiest job in the world to you, so I hope you appreciate it."

"Oh, I will, sir."

"Don't call me 'sir'. Just because I'm old doesn't mean I need to feel like it," Bullock grumbled, "Now all that's left is picking up some food for the soup kitchen."

"And where do we do that?"

"Right there," he pointed across the street to a cozy looking mansion. Perhaps in a darker setting it would be imposing, frightening even, but dappled in sunlight on a gorgeous autumn day, it looked positively homely.

"That's the old Van Dahl manor," Bullock said, "Inhabited by some of the nicest gentlemen you'll ever meet. Oswald Cobblepot used to be the mayor of Gotham, you know. He retired out here to his father's mansion with his husband and their three children."

"Adopted?"

"Not exactly. They were his brother, Victor's children. They've had a pretty tragic life, so be careful what you mention. I'm amazed they turned out to be the sweet old couple on the block, but I guess some people are just kind like that."

"Tragic?"

"Mmhmm. Victor's wife had an incurable illness. He went mad after she died. Committed suicide. The Cobblepots were nice enough to take in the children, but the youngest girl... she was the one who found him. Went completely mad. She's a sweet girl, too, but... she thinks she's a plant. And the eldest... well, she disappeared on them when she turned eighteen. Never got along with the others. But even before that... Oswald lost both his parents almost within a year of each other. His mother died first, and his father shortly before Oswald was elected. He couldn't handle the grief of his mother's passing and stayed at Arkham for a few months. I don't think he enjoyed it, but that's where he met his husband. Edward used to be with us, you know, but he was always this scrawny little nerd and we picked on him a lot. Too much. He got caught hiding body parts in our desks - some sort of misguided attempt at revenge, I expect. They were cellmates at Arkham, and evidently they got along. Edward was the one who convinced Oswald to run for mayor, after they got out. I don't know as much about Edward's history, but I've always gotten the impression that something happened to him, too. He's jumpy. Doesn't like anyone other than Oswald touching him, even handshakes, and I've never seen him without a high-collared shirt. There's an old rumor that his parents tried to strangle him with rope as a child, but that's likely just a local ghost story. Two old men and their slightly delusional daughter living in a big old mansion is a ghost story waiting to happen. Either way, I'm telling you all this so you know what not to mention, if you know what's good for you. Just be nice and they'll be nice back."

Dent nodded enthusiastically, "Understood."

"Good," Bullock knocked on the door and waited patiently. Within moments Oswald had opened the door with a greeting.

"Detective Bullock! What a pleasant surprise!"

"Hello, Mr. Cobblepot. Having a good day?"

"Oh, the best! Captain Essen is here for tea. Would you like some?"

"I'm afraid we need to be getting back to work soon. I just swung by to pick up the food you promised and to introduce Detective Dent, here. He'll be taking over for me, soon."

"Ah, yes. Retirement. I hope you'll find it as enjoyable as I have," he cast a smile over his shoulder to Edward, who smiled back. Bullock took the opportunity to recognize his boss, "Captain, good to see you."

"Good to see you actually working," she shot back, smiling to show it wasn't a true rebuke, "But I'm afraid I must return to the station, myself."

"You have to go?" Edward asked.

"Some of us still have jobs to attend to," she laughed, "But you boys enjoy yourselves. Bullock, Dent, I expect you to report back within the hour."

"Yes, ma'am."

Oswald moved over to Ivy, who was sitting by the window with her eyes closed.

"Ivy? It's time for the harvest."

The girl turned towards him before opening her eyes, revealing an intense green color, accenting her flaming red hair.

"The harvest moon has risen?"

"Yes, dear," Oswald assured her. Ivy clapped her hands and jumped up, running up the stairs to the top of the tower and turning on the strobe light.

"Ivy!" Edward yelled up to her, "Detective Bullock has already completed the sun ritual!"

Ivy paused, and called back, "He has?"

Bullock rolled his eyes and shouted, "Yeah!"

"Oh, okay," she turned the light off. Bullock shook his head, "You need to figure out how to get her to stop. We promised the neighbors we'd get it under control. You know how much I respect what you've done for this city, Mr. Cobblepot. I don't want to have to bring her in, but if she doesn't - "

"We're working with her, Detective," Oswald assured him, "Now I hope you boys are strong enough to carry everything. She's done a wonder in that greenhouse of hers."

Bullock chuckled, "I'm sure we've got it covered. I'm just glad you've managed to find something productive for her to do."

Dent frowned, "Have you ever tried to convince her that she's not a plant?"

"Oh no, she's not a plant. She's the _Goddess of Plants._ There's a difference. And yes, once we suggested she try being the Goddess of Fishing and she just crawled under her bed and wouldn't be anybody for weeks!"

Edward nodded, "We figure if she's happy being the Goddess of Plants, then we're happy too."

Ivy returned, hauling three large baskets of produce with her. Dent reached to take them, but she took a step back, glaring. Bullock nudged him and bowed to demonstrate what he was supposed to do.

"We thank you for a successful harvest, my Lady," he said, having long since learned to play along with Ivy's charade. Dent blinked at him before bowing too and saying, "Yeah - er, thanks."

"You're very welcome," she replied haughtily, handing over the the baskets.

"Well, thank you, all," Bullock said, addressing the three Cobblepots, "These will help immensely. A good day to you."

"And to all you wonderful fellows down at the precinct," Oswald replied, ushering them out the door with a wave, "Be sure to stop in for tea whenever you have the time!"

"Will do," Bullock replied, "Your Edward makes the best pastries this side of the river."

"And the other side, too," Oswald answered, "I know that for a fact."

"I'll bet."

~ ~ ~

"Now," Lee grabbed Jim's hand, "Why don't you go pack, and meet me out here in... thirty minutes."

"What for?"

"I'm taking us to Metropolis for our Honeymoon. We've always talked about seeing a city with a little less crime and corruption, didn't we? Gabe," she addressed her uncle's chauffeur, "Wait here for us, okay? You're going to drive us down there, and then you can have the week for your own vacation, alright?"

"Yes, ma'am," Gabe replied, heading off to pull the limo around.

"Metropolis? Lee, do you mean it?"

"I've booked us the most charming suite, with a wonderful view. We'll have the whole week to ourselves - no uncles, no sisters, no adopted-mother-bosses."

"I love you."

"I should hope so, seeing as how you just married me. Now, I've got to go break the news to my uncles. You do the same with Essen. See you soon," she stole another kiss before turning back to her own house.

~ ~ ~

"Uncle Oswald? Uncle Edward? I'm home, and I have something to tell you!"

"You got married!" Oswald exclaimed as he emerged from the kitchen. Lee hugged him, then paused, "How did you know?"

"Oh, honey, everybody knew you were marrying Jim."

"I didn't know myself until this afternoon!"

"Well, don't worry about it," Ed patted her shoulder lightly, "We knew you'd find out in time."

"Now you wait here while Edward goes and fetches your cake."

"Cake?" Lee laughed, "I don't have time for cake. I have to pack so I can take Jim to Metropolis."

"Oh, it'll only be a minute," Oswald assured her, taking Ed's hand and heading back into the kitchen. Lee sighed fondly and tried to think of what she wanted to pack. Where had she put those shoes she'd worn the night Jim had proposed to her? In the window seat, perhaps?

She strode over to the antique bench and lifted the lid.

And froze.

That -

No -

That couldn't be.

A dead body was lying in the window seat. A stiff. A corpse.

_Murder_.

Lee slammed the lid shut and sat down in alarm. Who - ?

Her eyes drifted up to the tower.

_Ivy_.

Everyone knew she wasn't right in the head. Not since discovering their father's body. But everyone thought it was just a harmless little obsession with plants. Not, not _murder_.

Oh, she could see the headlines now...

"Beloved Ex-Mayor Harbors Murderous Niece"

"Seemingly Sweet Girl Stabs Six"

Oh, this was worse than Barbara...

And then Lee realized what she needed to do. She needed to get Edward and Oswald to send Ivy to Arkham. She couldn't harm anyone there, and maybe she'd finally get the help she so obviously needed...

"Uncle Oswald, Uncle Edward," she burst into the kitchen.

"Yes, dear?" Oswald asked, handing candy through the window to young trick-or-treaters while Edward inserted a toothpick into the cake to check it.

"It's about Ivy."

"What about her?"

"I don't want to upset you, but... she needs to go to Arkham."

Edward dropped the oven door and it clanged as it fell on its hinges.

"What on Earth for?"

"She - oh, she's killed a man!"

"What?!" Oswald turned around, leaving the frosting that he'd been attending to once the kids were on their way.

"I, I'm as shocked as you are, but... the body is right there, in the window seat."

Edward looked at her in disbelief, which was her own expression when Oswald began to chuckle.

"Oh, heavens, _no_ , Lee. That's Mr. Carbone. He's one of _our_ gentlemen."

"One of _what_?"

Edward gasped, "You did one without me?"

"Oh, my darling, I wanted to wait, I really did, but there simply wasn't time! You were out and Captain Essen was coming over for tea. I barely had time to hide the body as it is!"

"You mean to say," Lee gaped, "That you killed this Mr. Carbone, and you knew what you'd done?"

"Of course I did."

"And you didn't want Captain Essen to see the body?"

"Well not over tea! That wouldn't have been very nice."

"You can't - but - but that's a crime!"

"Please," Edward waved his hand, "We only ever kill people who deserve it."

"...people? As in... more than one?"

"Eleven," Oswald nodded.

Lee collapsed into a chair, "Eleven?!"

"No," Edward shook his head, "Twelve."

"Are you sure, dear? I only count eleven."

"Well first was Mr. Dougherty, and then Ms. Kringle - "

"Oh, I wasn't counting Ms. Kringle. She was an accident."

"I think we _should_ count Ms. Kringle. After all, she's the one that brought us together, in the end."

"Well, you're better at these sorts of things than I am, love. If you think we should count her, then we shall. A dozen it is."

"A dozen!"

"Yes."

"But," Lee stared at them, asking the first question that came to mind, "How?"

"Poison. Edward's so good at it. Let's see, first we take some elderberry wine - to disguise the flavor - then it's what?"

"Two tablespoons of arsenic and a pinch of cyanide."

Lee breathed deeply to stop from hyperventilating and asked, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"Oh, they're buried in the cellar."

"The cellar?! Of this house?"

"Well, yes. What other house should we mean? Ivy buries them in her garden. They make wonderful fertilizer, you see. "

"Good lord..."

~ ~ ~

"Lee? It's been nearly fifty minutes already. Have you forgotten something?" Jim asked the moment she picked up the phone.

"Oh, Jim! I'm terribly sorry, something dreadful's come up. I'll fix it as soon as I can and then we'll be on our way. Just hang tight, okay?"

"But Lee - "

"I have to go, Jim. Love you, bye!"

She hung up before he could get another word in. Oh god, Jim was a _cop_! What would he say when he realized he'd married into a family of murderers and lunatics?

Lunatics!

That was it! She just had to get Ivy certified for Arkham, and then it wouldn't matter anymore. They'd find the bodies, assume it was her, and everything would be fine. She just had to get Edward and Oswald to agree never to kill again.

She still couldn't believe it! Her sweet uncles, the men who had raised her for most of her life - murderers! It was beyond shocking.

A knock on the door drew her out of her thoughts.

"I'll get it, Uncles," she called, swinging open the door to be met with a rather large man with greased back hair and a discomforting leer. He held up a flyer, "Advertisement says there's a room here, and entertainment. I suppose you're the entertainment?" he eyed her up and down and guffawed, "You'll do."

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh!" Oswald exclaimed, stepping into the room, "Are you here about the room?"

"Yeah, you the owner?"

"Indeed I am. Come, sit down, I'll pour you a glass of wine."

Lee took a moment to register what was being said before she leapt between the stranger and the table, "Actually, I'm afraid the room's just been taken. We're having a family dinner tonight, so you'll have to leave."

"Listen, baby - "

"Please, just a glass - "

"No," Lee forcefully grabbed the man by the arm and shoved him out the door, "Good day!" and slammed it behind him. Oswald pouted, "Now what did you go and do that for?"

"You can't just kill people!"

"On the contrary, we've been doing it quite successfully for years!"

"But it's not right, don't you understand? We have _laws_."

"Laws that allow assholes to roam free every day," Edward muttered, fingers reaching subconsciously for his neck.

"Even so, you can't just break them whenever you please. I don't want to see you sent to jail. Now, I'm going to go out and talk with the judge about Ivy. Promise me you won't leave or let anyone in until I get back."

"We promise," Edward said reluctantly.

"Thank you, dear Uncles," she replied, laying a comforting hand on each of their shoulders, "I promise I'll fix this, okay? I'm just looking out for you."

"Okay."

~ ~ ~

About twenty minutes after Lee's departure, someone knocked at the door. Edward and Oswald exchanged glances, but they kept to their promise and stayed where they were. But after four knocks, the door swung open, and two tall and lithe women strode inside, looking around.

"Look at that, Tabitha," the woman in front says, "A feast laid out, with wine and everything. Almost as if we were expected."

"Perhaps we were," Tabitha answered quietly.

"Nonsense. This is my childhood home. If anyone still lives here, it's just my wizened old uncles and stupid sisters. None of them could ever pose a threat to us. Perhaps Lee could cause us minor annoyance - she was always good at that - but nothing more. We'll stay here tonight, and then you can operate in the morning. But first, let's drink."

She reached for one of the glasses and Tabitha took the other.

"Wait! Who are you?" Oswald stepped out of the shadows. The blond - the leader - turned to look at him, "Uncle Oswald?"

"I said, who are you?"

"Don't you recognize me? Don't you recognize your own niece?"

"Barbara?" Edward asked, stepping forward too.

"No," Oswald shook his head, "It can't be! You look like an actress in that awful movie, you know the scary one the little Crane boy took us to?"

Barbara threw the glass on the ground, shattering it.

"It's me, Uncles! I see how you jump, Uncle Edward. Everyone thinks your parents tried to strangle you, but they didn't, did they? No, your father was a drunk, and he used throw the empty bottles at you. Your neck is all cut up from the broken glass. _That's_ why you really wear those high collars."

Edward inhaled sharply, stepping back again as his fingers came up to rest on his throat.

"And you," she turned to Oswald, "That limp of yours isn't from old age like everyone assumes. No, the gangster Fish Mooney did it to you, shortly after you won the election. When you refused to be as corrupt as your predecessor. And surely you must remember me. Remember the way I used to chase Lee with the kitchen knives... make her scream... How is dear Lee, anyway? How is the golden child?"

"She's married to a cop, now, so don't you dare - "

"Ugh, not Jim Gordon?" Barbara snarled, "That bitch stole him from me!"

"Barbara, please," Edward began.

"Well, no matter. Tonight we shall have a lovely family reunion. Uncles, this is Tabitha. We're... partners. We'll be staying here tonight. Now why don't you be the good hosts you're so famous for being and make us dinner?"

"Now wait just a - "

"Edward," Oswald wrapped an arm around his husband, "Let's talk in the kitchen."

"But - "

"Now, darling!"

"Of course, Oswald."

~ ~ ~

"That was delicious, Mr. Cobblepot," Tabitha said politely, setting down her napkin. Ivy was at the table, too, by now.

"Yes, now if - "

"Wait," Ivy held up a hand, turning to Tabitha, "You are the Goddess of Death, are you not."

"Hey - "

"Silence, mortal," Ivy demanded and Barbara snapped her jaw shut, glaring.

"Umm, sure," Tabitha answered.

"Let me show you the garden! You'll love it."

"The what?"

"The garden," Ed explained patiently, "It's just downstairs."

"Oh. Okay."

"Don't forget your circlet," Ivy said, handing her a plastic tiara, "It's how they know you're a goddess, you know."

"Of course," Tabitha said slowly, slipping the tiara into her hair like Ivy had done with her own, "Lead on."

~ ~ ~

"Listen, Babs, you didn't see it!"

"See what?"

"The 'garden'? There's a hole down there, four by six by six! It's the perfect size for Mr. Garin."

"Are you suggesting we bury a body in my Uncles' cellar?"

"Well, yeah."

Barbara burst out laughing, "That would be hilarious! Them, living on top of a body! No one would ever know!"

"Let's do it tonight. Once they've gone to bed, we'll swing the car around and move the body and the luggage in through the window, okay?"

"Alright."

~ ~ ~

"Now Ivy, there's been another shipment."

"What?"

"Some fertilizer has just come it. You'll want to take it down to the garden right away. As soon as the lights turn off, come downstairs. You'll find it in the window seat. Take it to the garden and get it in the hole. Edward and I will be down to help mix it into the soil as soon as we can, alright?"

"Understood, God of Penguins."

"Mmhmm," Oswald smiled placatingly.

~ ~ ~

"Alright, one more shove," Tabitha whispered, holding more than half of their kill already. Barbara gave another push and the body fell all the way through the window. Tabitha froze at the sound of the door opening.

"Shit! Someone's coming in! Grab the luggage and come around the other way!"

The light turned on and Tabitha turned around, trying to look as innocent as possible.

"Who the hell are you?" Lee asked.

"My partner," Barbara answered from behind her, making her jump.

"Who - "

"Oh my dear sister. It's been _far_ too long..."

"Barbara?" Lee asked, incredulous.

"The very same," she gave a mock curtsy, "And this is Tabitha, my associate, lover, a doctor, and - " she looked around the room as if something were missing, "Something of a magician. Evidently."

"Well whatever you're looking for, you won't get it here. Just move along, and - "

"Oh, no Lee. We're staying the night."

"You are doing no such thing! Unless you want me to call Jim over here? I don't think he'd be too happy to see you again."

Barbara snarled, "Tabitha! Come into the kitchen. I have something to discuss with you."

Lee rolled her eyes and moved to the window seat. What a truly exhausting, delirious day. Was there even a body in the window seat? She lifted the lid to check, before dropping it in surprise.

Oh there was a body in there alright.

It just wasn't the same one she'd seen earlier that day.

And then someone knocked on the door.

Lee jumped in surprise before remembering herself. She opened the door, taking a surprised step back when an unfamiliar policeman stepped inside.

"Ma'am," he lifted his hat, "Are the Mr.s Cobblepot still awake? I wanted to check on them."

"Excuse me, I didn't catch your name?"

"Sorry, Officer Dent. Harvey Dent," he smiled and held out a hand, "And you must be one of their girls?"

"Yes," she shook his hand with as much composure as she could, "Lee."

"Wait a minute... _the_ Lee Cobblepot? The author of all those political activism journals?"

"That's the one. I've written a few books, too."

"Don't I know it! You know, you actually inspired me to write a book of my own, about the fluid nature of the laws in our society! Say, you wouldn't be interested in discussing a bit of political philosophy, now would you?"

"I - " she caught sight of Barbara emerging from the kitchen, "Why yes, I would. In fact, why don't we get you something warm and we can talk right now."

"Right now? Works for me."

Barbara stopped in her tracks, "Who is this?"

" _This_ ," Lee grinned, "is Officer Dent. He's a fan of mine."

"Indeed I am. And you are?"

"A relative," Barbara said shortly.

Edward and Oswald chose that moment to appear, dressed in the grungiest clothes Lee had ever seen them in.

"Uncles?"

"Mr. Cobblepot!"

"Officer Dent?" Oswald descended the stairs cautiously, Ed on his arm, "What a... pleasant surprise."

"You didn't tell me your niece was the famous activist! I've followed her work for years," Dent greeted enthusiastically, "I do hope we haven't woken you up."

"Not at all," Oswald answered upon reaching the dining room, "Edward? Why don't you take Officer Dent to the kitchen. Brew him some tea and get him a snack."

"Of course," Ed nodded, gesturing for Dent to follow him. Lee followed them, with Barbara and Tabitha trailing along behind. Oswald hung back, wanting to ensure Ivy had done her job and moved the body to a more secure location. He peeked under the window seat and practically screamed in surprise.

"Lee!"

Lee emerged from the kitchen, curious, "What is it?"

"There's a body in the window seat!"

"Yes, we've been over this. You need to stop - and keep your voice down - but - "

"No! You don't understand! That - " he spat, pointing at the window seat, "is not one of ours! What is a stranger doing in our house? We don't know anything about him! How do we know he deserved it?"

"You mean to say you didn't kill that man?"

"I did not!" Oswald sniffed.

"And you're not lying to me?"

Oswald gasped, offended, "You think I'd stoop to telling a fib?! Outrageous."

"Alright, alright. But then - "

"Edward!"

Edward walked in, accompanied by Barbara. Tabitha remained in the kitchen, discussing civil disobedience over a cup of tea with Dent.

"Come look at what's in this window seat!"

Conscious of the fact that Dent was only a room over, Lee rushed to sit atop it. It was only after she sat down that she realized Barbara had done the same. Lee looked between Barbara and the window seat, and then it clicked. She smirked at her least favorite sister, slowly standing up, "Yes, Uncle Edward. Do come look at what's in the window seat."

But before Barbara could decide to move or not, Dent strolled back in, attaching himself to Lee immediately, and dragging the whole party back into the kitchen. Lee hung back long enough to grab a hold of Barbara's sleeve, "Leave now, and take the body with you, and I won't hand you over to the police. Understood?"

"Understood," Barbara hissed, furious. She snagged Tabitha and pulled her aside, "We need to get the body in the basement immediately. We're running low on time."

"Let's head down and get everything ready."

~ ~ ~

"Alright, Officer," Lee laughed, "That sounds like a plan. Why don't you go get some pastries to go from my Uncles, and I'll see you at the cafe later."

"Good idea," Dent agreed, turning around. Lee looked around, sighing when she saw Barbara was gone.

"Well, well, well."

She leapt up, turning to see Barbara standing in the cellar doorway.

"I thought I told you to leave," she asked, "I'm going to call Officer Dent."

"You show him what's in that window seat, and I'll show him what's in the cellar. I didn't realize you had it in you, Lee. But I guess there's a lot I don't know about you. I bet not even Jim Gordon knows about what you're capable of. Should I invite him over? Show him?"

Lee frowned, and then she realized. Mr. Carbone. Ivy must have taken her to the cellar already, and Barbara had _seen_ , and -

"Ah, Officer Dent! I have quite a lot of catching up to do with my sister, and all, so why don't you go on ahead and I'll meet you there!"

"You won't stand me up?"

"Of course not," Lee assured him, all but shoving him out the door, "Good night!"

"Now I'm going out," she announced, grabbing the papers she already had half filled out. All she had to do was get Ivy certified insane, and then she'd be free to hand over Barbara and go on her honeymoon - oh _god_ her honeymoon. Poor Jim... But she couldn't think about him while there were currently thirteen bodies in the house.

"I expect you to be gone by the time I'm back. Or else."

"How cute," Barbara cooed after her, waving.

"Now," Oswald growled, "I demand to know what you mean by invading our house and bringing a corpse! A corpse of all things into _our_ home."

"She did what?" Edward gasped, affronted, "What is the meaning of this, Barbara? Did we teach you _no_ manners?"

"Me?" Barbara scoffed, "Why don't you talk about Lee?"

"What on Earth has Lee done?"

"Why don't you ask that to the body she left in the basement?"

"What body?" Edward asked. Oswald rolled his eyes, "Are you referring to Mr. Carbone?"

"What?" Barbara faltered, blinking.

"Mr. Carbone," Edward clarified, "He's not Lee's," he laughed, "What an idea! He's one of ours. Well, Oswald's, but we're married, so we share."

"You... what?" Barbara repeated.

"Now, get your corpse out of our window seat and out of our home," Oswald made a shooing motion.

"You mean to say that _you_ put a body in the cellar?"

"Well twelve, to be precise, but yes," Ed answered.

"Twelve."

"Yes."

"Twelve bodies."

"Mmhmm," Ed nodded, smiling serenely.

Tabitha burst out laughing.

"What?" Barbara asked.

"It's just, we're on the run, staying in moldy hotels, eating dirt, while your uncles are here in this cozy mansion doing just as well as you."

"No, I have thirteen."

"Uh-uh," Tabitha shook her head, still laughing, "You've got twelve. The old men are just as good as you."

"Hmph," Barbara crossed her arms, "Well not for long. I already have my next victim picked," her eyes flicked to the front door, "Now we're going to take it down and bury it with the rest."

"Absolutely out of the question," Oswald said, "We won't be having any strangers buried in this house. Every body down there is a thoroughly vetted piece of shit."

"Except Ms. Kringle, but she was an accident," Edward interrupted.

"Of course. That was in the beginning. We'd been too sloppy, hadn't covered our tracks. She came looking for her boyfriend - "

"Now _he_ fit the pattern to a 'T'."

"That he did. It was unfortunate, but necessary."

"But it was also the night I realized I wanted to be yours," Ed sighed, dreamily, as he looked at Oswald, "So it's hard to look back on it with anything but fondness."

Oswald smiled at him, "Agreed, love."

"Yikes," said Tabitha, "Your family's almost as fucked up as you are."

"Like you're one to talk. But, long tangent aside," Barbara put a hand on her hip, "You can't stop me. You call the police, they'll arrest you _and_ Ivy and Lee. Cart you all off to Arkham. Say, Uncle Oswald, didn't you stay there for awhile, after your mother died?"

Oswald's fingers curled into a fist, nails digging into his palm.

"And the two of you against the two of us... ha! So we'll be borrowing your cellar for the night, thank you very much. Why don't you two head to bed?" it wasn't really a question.

"You're making a mistake."

"Doubtful."

~ ~ ~

"All done!" Barbara clapped her hands together, "And I think I hear my thirteenth victim coming home."

"Not tonight, Babs! I'm exhausted, and I'm supposed to operate on you in the morning. Let's sleep first. Please?"

"No! I've waited my whole life to destroy her! She dies tonight. Go upstairs and get ready."

"...Fine."

~ ~ ~

Edward and Oswald heard the cellar door swing shut, and crept around the back of the house. Time to 'fertilize the garden'. They grabbed saws and shovels, dressed in heavy, dirt covered clothes. They gestured for Ivy to follow as they entered the cellar from the outside.

~ ~ ~

"What do you think you're doing?" Lee shouted.

"Something I should have done a long time ago," Barbara snarled at her, tightening the restraints further and relishing the pained noise she made. She stuffed a cloth into her mouth unceremoniously and tied it into place. Catching her unaware had proven all too easy.

"Tabitha? You ready?"

"Yes, Barbara," Tabitha stood to the side, fingers flexing around her whip even as she set it aside in favor of Barbara's chosen instruments. _What_ possessed her to want to make it last three hours... Tabitha didn't know. Sure, she loved torture as much as her girlfriend, but sometimes people were _tired_ or _in a rush._

"Now, Leslie, you will know at least half of the pain I've felt."

She raised her own blade, before her eyes caught on something, "But first, a toast."

Lee sagged in relief against her bonds as Barbara reached for the decanter that still sat on the table, pouring two glasses. It was a secret shared between only Edward and Oswald that it was the same decanter that had originally held a poison intended for Oswald, a poison that took the life of his father. Some truths had been omitted in their confession to Lee. True, they used the wine on their less personal victims, but those like the woman who had first used the decanter... those they had more fun with.

A knock at the door startled them from their toast, and Barbara hastily put the glasses down as she hurried to hide the weapons. She grabbed Tabitha and ran up the stairs, waiting in the shadows as the door swung open and Officer Dent walked inside.

"Ms. Cobblepot! You never showed!"

Lee's reply was muffled by the gag.

"Oh, here, let me get you out of that," Dent stepped forward, before stopping. His face changed imperceptibly, "On second thought... no. You're going to stay right there and listen to what I have to say."

Lee's eyes bulged in disbelief one of the few expressions she could make around the gag.

"So, here's what I think should happen in the government - "

Barbara began creeping down the stairs towards the officer, knife raised above her head. Lee could only watch in horror as she got closer, when all of a sudden Tabitha smashed her own shoe over Barbara's head. The blonde fell, crashing into Dent.

"Hey!"

"She must have been tired, too," Tabitha shrugged, sliding the shoe back onto her foot.

At that moment, the front door burst open, and Detectives Gordon and Bullock rushed in.

"Lee!" Jim exclaimed, running to her side and beginning to work on the knots tying her down.

"We were discussing politics," Dent offered.

"You have to tie her down to make her listen?" Bullock asked, laughing.

"I - "

"Captain's been worried. You never checked in at the station."

"I'm sorry, I - "

"Eh, you're new. I'll call her," he flipped open his phone, "We found 'im. Yeah, I can bring the punk in. Anything else? Good."

Barbara woke up, disoriented, to those words being said over her. She leapt up, ready to fight for her freedom, and punched Bullock square in the jaw. Bullock gaped at her before punching back.

"Miss! We're going to have to bring you in for - "

"Me? Tell that to the thirteen bodies buried in the basement!" Barbara shouted.

"Thirteen bodies?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Lee said, now free, "I'm sorry, Jim, tonight has been a mess."

"I'll say."

"We'll head out tomorrow. I promise."

Ivy chose this moment to enter, closely followed by Edward and Oswald.

"Say," said Bullock, still laughing, "You didn't happen to see thirteen bodies when you were down there, did you?"

"Of course there are thirteen bodies in the garden," Ivy replied haughtily, "I can count."

Bullock stopped short as all three cops looked at each other.

"Now if you'll excuse me, the plants have been fertilized, but they still need sunlight," she dashed up the stairs to turn the strobe light on.

"Ivy!" Oswald yelled after her.

"Thirteen bodies?"

"Look, officers, I'm getting my sister committed to Arkham. I have all the paperwork right here - "

"You will be doing no such thing!" Edward stated firmly.

"I'm sorry, Uncle. It has to be done."

"Then, then... Oswald! There must be a way to fix this."

Oswald frowned at Lee, "This has been very underhanded of you. I'm disappointed in you. But, as it is, I suppose Ivy could go to Arkham - "

"What?!" Ed looked at him, aghast.

"- if I buy it. Imagine, Edward. Renovating Arkham! Tearing it down and building it up our own way!"

"Alright, love. If you think we can do it."

"I know we can!"

Essen walked in the door at that moment.

"That girl _needs_ to stop with the lights in the middle of the night!"

"A solution has arisen, Captain," Bullock said.

"Good," she looked at the mess from the brawl with Barbara, who'd been knocked out again, "Who is that?"

"The other Cobblepot sister. Looks kinda like that one actress, don't you think?"

"Which actress?" Essen asked sharply. Bullock shrugged, "I dunno... Richards. Erin Richards."

Essen rolled her eyes, "Do _none_ of you read?! She's wanted in five counties for homicide! That's exactly how they described her: she looked like Erin Richards. Take her to the station."

"Lee, dear," Oswald pulled her to the side, "Before we part ways for this newest venture, I have something terrible to tell you. I hope you won't be too upset."

"Upset?" Lee asked, slightly distracted by Tabitha sneaking out while the police were occupied.

"You see, you're not really a Cobblepot at all. You're a Thompkins."

"A what?"

"A Thompkins, dear. Victor adopted you after your parents died. Your father was a sailor, see. And your mother was a cook, like mine. She worked aboard the ship until your father died, and then she was hired by Victor and had you. She fell ill while you were still very young and Victor and Nora didn't have the heart to send you away. You aren't terribly upset, are you?"

"I'm not upset at all," she exclaimed. She didn't have to worry about inheriting her family's clear insanity now, "In fact, I'm ecstatic! Jim! Get your luggage! We're going!"

"Now?"

"Of course!" she ran outside past Gabe, who was still waiting with the limo, and shouted to the world, "I'm not a Cobblepot, I'm the daughter of a sea cook!"

Gabe rolled his eyes, "I'm not a chauffeur, I'm a coffeepot!"

~ ~ ~

Inside, the cops had gone, leaving Oswald to kiss Edward tenderly. Edward held him and whispered, "I can't wait to burn the place where you suffered."

"I could say the same to you, my love."

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely love this movie. I wish I could have seen the stage production with Boris Karloff, but, heh, I wasn't alive back then. If you aren't familiar with it and love tacky old horror that is straight up comedy in modern society, you'll enjoy Arsenic & Old Lace. It's a Halloween classic. (and don't be fooled by my calling it horror. It's _really_ not)


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